Emotional

I am so in love with Chesney! Hahaha, there's a phrase I never thought I'd say.

Although, the whole caps sign in the corner is getting annoying. I know, okay, Ches mate? That's why I put it on. And then took it off. Reptitively. Are you going to do this when I open word?

I got angry today though. More angry at myself, or just circumstances? I was meant to finish early, I had a 6 hour shift. I've spotted some stuff I'd like to get for Florida and was looking forward to a few minutes shopping. Or coming home and uploading more itunes.

But nope, got let go an hour late. Which is fine, really, since I need the cash for Florida. But I needed the loo, and when I went I found a voicemail from the nursery saying boy had a temperature. Could I come get him? They called half hour before my shift should have finished. So I went back all panicky because checking the phone is one thing, calling back is another, and asked to be let go.

And then this really pushy girl was like 'hey, it's my hometime, see ya!' ... umm, no, if I waited a freaking hour, and I'm only just freaking out, you can wait ten minutes while I, and the other girl who started before you, get out. Serve some people. Clean up. Whatever.

Sorry, it's just ... you need some level of understanding that timings are flexible in our work. Especially with one manager on (she's nice enough when we're not working, but sometimes when running the shift ... hmmmmm). I tried to have that, and then ... I felt like a bad mum. I mean, it was a missed call, they happen all the time, but I keep my phone on me just for the nursery. I got a text, and ignored it, and email updates, facebook nudges ... ignored them all. Didn't hear the phone call. It makes me feel like a bad mum.

Oh, and when I was calling my parents while the nursery line was busy to see if they'd heard from the nursery/gone to pick boy up, someone I haven't seen in a while walked passed and was like *loud happy voice* "HI!" and I bit her head off. I'm sorry hun, I was really, really freaking out about my sub-par parenting.

Someone else was talking about parenting on facebook. My reply to what she said probably sounded fairly bitchy ... she was saying how a good mum, a real mum, does everything for their kids. I said, but sometimes, it may not seem like it is for the kids, when it really is.

Like me, full-time working. Yes, I like to have something other than In The Night Garden to fill my day, but it's all for boy. I work in a job I feel nothing for, selling products I don't believe in, for next to nothing, to provide something for the boy. To feel like I earned all his toy story and Thomas crap. Yes I get tax credits, but 80% of them are because I bust a gut for my son, and get yelled at for events outside my control by people less well educated than me ... a few quid from the government is a fair exchange, believe me.

Or my driving lessons. It's a skill that goes on my CV, it's a sense of freedom I don't yet have. But my main reason for taking them is so when boy goes to clubs - and he's really, really desperate to go to karate - I get to take him. I don't rely on buses, or my parents, or spend a fortune on taxis. He's my responsibility, that's my responsibility.

Or discipline. I hate that word, but ... if I tell my son he can't have sweeties and he has a tantrum, that makes me a good parent. They'll rot his teeth. Tantrums don't work. Letting him cry then tempting him with his multiple toy cars once he's calmer do. I let boy get away with a lot, sure, but we both know when I draw the line. We both know the line is a scary place once crossed. We both also know, if I distract him from really naughty things, unless he's tired, the naughtiness stops. Distraction is the single best piece of advice I ever got as a new mum.

But you know what? Going out for a night is good parenting too. She'd probably disagree, but letting kids know that you're not there 24-7 prepares them for life. I'm not going to be in school. I won't be in uni. One day, I won't be there at all. And even though I think about him and talk about him constantly when I do go out, when I get back I'm recharged (unless I've been drinking, then I'm recovering) and a better mummy. Plus, I-missed-you cuddles are the best ever, especially with gentle, little arms around your neck.

Told you this post was a little emotional. I need to crawl into a hole or something.