Emotional

I am so in love with Chesney! Hahaha, there's a phrase I never thought I'd say.

Although, the whole caps sign in the corner is getting annoying. I know, okay, Ches mate? That's why I put it on. And then took it off. Reptitively. Are you going to do this when I open word?

I got angry today though. More angry at myself, or just circumstances? I was meant to finish early, I had a 6 hour shift. I've spotted some stuff I'd like to get for Florida and was looking forward to a few minutes shopping. Or coming home and uploading more itunes.

But nope, got let go an hour late. Which is fine, really, since I need the cash for Florida. But I needed the loo, and when I went I found a voicemail from the nursery saying boy had a temperature. Could I come get him? They called half hour before my shift should have finished. So I went back all panicky because checking the phone is one thing, calling back is another, and asked to be let go.

And then this really pushy girl was like 'hey, it's my hometime, see ya!' ... umm, no, if I waited a freaking hour, and I'm only just freaking out, you can wait ten minutes while I, and the other girl who started before you, get out. Serve some people. Clean up. Whatever.

Sorry, it's just ... you need some level of understanding that timings are flexible in our work. Especially with one manager on (she's nice enough when we're not working, but sometimes when running the shift ... hmmmmm). I tried to have that, and then ... I felt like a bad mum. I mean, it was a missed call, they happen all the time, but I keep my phone on me just for the nursery. I got a text, and ignored it, and email updates, facebook nudges ... ignored them all. Didn't hear the phone call. It makes me feel like a bad mum.

Oh, and when I was calling my parents while the nursery line was busy to see if they'd heard from the nursery/gone to pick boy up, someone I haven't seen in a while walked passed and was like *loud happy voice* "HI!" and I bit her head off. I'm sorry hun, I was really, really freaking out about my sub-par parenting.

Someone else was talking about parenting on facebook. My reply to what she said probably sounded fairly bitchy ... she was saying how a good mum, a real mum, does everything for their kids. I said, but sometimes, it may not seem like it is for the kids, when it really is.

Like me, full-time working. Yes, I like to have something other than In The Night Garden to fill my day, but it's all for boy. I work in a job I feel nothing for, selling products I don't believe in, for next to nothing, to provide something for the boy. To feel like I earned all his toy story and Thomas crap. Yes I get tax credits, but 80% of them are because I bust a gut for my son, and get yelled at for events outside my control by people less well educated than me ... a few quid from the government is a fair exchange, believe me.

Or my driving lessons. It's a skill that goes on my CV, it's a sense of freedom I don't yet have. But my main reason for taking them is so when boy goes to clubs - and he's really, really desperate to go to karate - I get to take him. I don't rely on buses, or my parents, or spend a fortune on taxis. He's my responsibility, that's my responsibility.

Or discipline. I hate that word, but ... if I tell my son he can't have sweeties and he has a tantrum, that makes me a good parent. They'll rot his teeth. Tantrums don't work. Letting him cry then tempting him with his multiple toy cars once he's calmer do. I let boy get away with a lot, sure, but we both know when I draw the line. We both know the line is a scary place once crossed. We both also know, if I distract him from really naughty things, unless he's tired, the naughtiness stops. Distraction is the single best piece of advice I ever got as a new mum.

But you know what? Going out for a night is good parenting too. She'd probably disagree, but letting kids know that you're not there 24-7 prepares them for life. I'm not going to be in school. I won't be in uni. One day, I won't be there at all. And even though I think about him and talk about him constantly when I do go out, when I get back I'm recharged (unless I've been drinking, then I'm recovering) and a better mummy. Plus, I-missed-you cuddles are the best ever, especially with gentle, little arms around your neck.

Told you this post was a little emotional. I need to crawl into a hole or something.

Bournemouth is beautiful!

I don't intend on talking much, since I'm crazy-tired, but I probably will.

So I was down in Bournemouth this weekend, like I said I would be. We left about 3.30pm and would've been there in great time ... if there hadn't been stupid traffic at the Dartford tunnel. I've never had to queue to get off the QEII before ... and there were roadworks on the M25. We got there about ten past 8, and they extended our dinner. But bless the boy, he hadn't had a nap at nursery and he didn't sleep all car ride (we have a car DVD player, he was hooked on Thomas, Alvin 2, The Gruffalo and Toy Story throughout the journey) so dinner was the last thing he wanted. He had a melon starter, ignored the risotto I ordered for his dinner but had a humungus bowl of fruit salad for pudding. He had apple, banana and raisins in the car ... this is what I meant in a previous post, all that boy seems to eat is fruit, sweets and chocolate. And nursery food. And fish fingers.

Anyway, he fell asleep on my lap when we were trying to put his bedside protector thing together and when I tried to put him in bed, I tripped and kicked the divan. It's the same toe I always seem to hit like this, so it was stuffed up enough, but now the nail's ripped halfway along near the bit where the toenail starts to show. I'm going to have a ripped nail for months. Or no nail, which is far grosser.

So yeah, yesterday morning we had time to kill, and we walked over to Bournemouth town centre along the water front. We went with my brother-in-law's parents, and they're pretty cool. Found a shell windchime for my baby sister, and then we walked through these garden things. I wish my town had them ... they had these art displays going on, one was tin shapes everywhere, one was 'an impossible golf course', there was this gold-painted frame with photo's. My favourite one was this deck chair, but instead of material it had a strip of grass, and there was a sign by it saying 'keep off the grass' ... brilliant!

They had this little craft market thing too, which had this yummy bread stall (where we nicked chocolate brownie samples lol) and a fudge stall ... I love fudge. Especially this fudge. Proper fudge. I still have some fudge. But not for long. Anyway, we also found fresh donuts - I am all about fresh, seaside donuts. Where we have a beach hut, they take out pre-packed donuts, heat them in the donut machine, and coat them in sugar. It's criminal, but it's a pretty deprived area. They've only just got a tesco's. So yeah, it was nice to be able to have proper seaside donuts.

Me and my dad took the boy miniature golfing as well, while my brother-in-law's father went in this hot air balloon. He treated it like shuffleboard and when we told him the ball had to go in the hole he picked it up and put it there. Typical 2 year old. He did well though, got bored about the 13th hole. He was charging up and down that course, being all adorable lol.

Getting ready was fairly easy too. We gave the boy a bath and my dad took him out while I got ready, and ten minutes before we were due downstairs, we wrestled the boy into his suit. He held out for the starter, and the sorbet round (he loves champagne sorbet in a brandy snap nest. Who knew?) but he wasn't having his main course. Or the dessert course. So I trouped him upstairs thinking he'd sleep, and thinking I'd let him watch a little Alvin on the portable DVD. I was falling asleep through it (even when my dad brought up my liquer from that course, and my ladies present - a butterfly on a perfume bottle. Love at first sight) but boy got second wind. I hate when I'm more tired than him. I had to force him to sleep. It wasn't easy - we could hear the music downstairs - but I started singing along with 'Wonderful tonight' and then started lullabys, stroking his hair. Worked a charm!

This morning was shakeaways day ... good stuffs! Found this shop called Past Times, and it made me think of Poppy Coburn's blog ... it had all this art deco stuff, jewellery and mirrors, rings stands, powder boxes. Plus some old toys, knitting dolls like I used to use because I couldn't work needles ... there was a lot of things that reminded me of stuff Sophie Kinsella writes too. Lavendar and such. Anyway, I got this little green dragonfly brooch and a butterfly jewellery stand (can you tell I like butterflies? I've got this pale pink butterfly ring from miss selfridge too) was hard to resist half that shop.

The rest of the day was driving and sleeping awkwardly in the car and rest stations and picking my brother up from the other side of London where his girlfriend lives and I've sat uncomfortably for so much of today I need my double bed and thousands of cushions. I need my home luxury.

I've missed you though, blog.