*tumbleweed blows by*

So ... you may have noticed I haven't blogged of late.

Not 100% my fault.

So Thursday morning I get up and start hacking apart the invites I made for boy's 3rd birthday (toy story themed, I'm such a cool mum) and hear my parents say we've been cut off, phone and net. Sky's a bit funny too. And after half an hour on the rotatrimmer (bonus of having half your family in the teaching profession. My sister would've lent me her laminator too, if I'd asked) I started feeling queasy.

But I passed it off because I had to get boy to nursery, so I got him ready and went, and posted all his nursery invites into the folders, feeling all sweaty and horrid. I thought it was just the weather, and the fact that nursery gets so hot so quickly.

And then I got on a bus, ready to get my $USD and some other holiday *non* essentials, and that nausea really hit me. So I closed my eyes the whole bus ride and kept trying to imagine this waterfall, something with no smell that was sort of calm and clear and clean and I concentrated so hard on that water ... and it worked until the bus did a u-turn into the depot. And then I lost control. And the bus driver was really nice about the fact I yakked on his bus (probably thinking 'time for my fag break, and if the cleaners are in the bus I get a coffee too'), I went to get a water and yakked a few more times before I managed to make my way home (I was smart, I put the water in a bag on self serve then put the water in my bag and viola, baggy for the bus home!)

So I've spent most of the time we've been disconnected vomming, sleeping and reading. And today, playing on a video game so I feel carpal tunnel setting in. I won't type much longer. It turns out, the whole of the hamlet is disconnected, there's been some gasworks and roadworks so one of them must've knocked out all our phonelines. Thanks.

I went back to work yesterday, for my last shit before we go away. And they actually freaking let me cook! I mean, I normally do weekend breakfast now, since aparently I'm shit-hot at building a bagel (I kid, I'm crap) but near the end of breakfast they were going 'we've only got till people in' and I was like 'I know some kitchen!' (I did one side when I was 6 months pregnant for 2 hours, and I've dressed on the other side for an hour. Besides the point) so I got to cook and avoid shitty customers all day. Especially as Sunday is Complaining Customer day. Win Win. I just had to avoid breathing, to avoid the lingering nausea. And build some upper body strength. Ha!

But I won't be back for long since we're away soon. So excited! I think I'll be able to get up at 3.30 for the flights ...

Oh, and the books I read? Um, My Single Friend (which was good for chick-lit, if a little annoying) ... the title should give away the storyline. Protagonist bird has male roommate she's known for years, is a dork. They watch a makeover show, she decides to give him a makeover, he turns out to be all studly. Yaddayaddayadda ... they fall in love. Very Predictable.

Don't take the piss. My head was pounding from the rush to the head when I puked.

I read the third book in Lindsey Kelk' "I love" series, I Love Paris. I don't know why I pick those books up. Because Alex and Jenny, the boyfriend and best friend characters are mildly funny I guess. You know they say 'write what you know'? Lindsey Kelk actually writes her life. I read her bio before I read I Love New York, the first one, and it's just like it says in the bio. But the bio is far less irritating - in ILNY, she breaks up with her boyfriend and moves to new york and spends half the book telling the reader, and other characters, she broke up with her boyfriend and moved to new york. In the second, I Love Hollywood, she goes to interview this actor (she's a blogger and sometimes-journalist, having given up editing kids books) and they're pictured together compromisingly before it's revealed he's gay. She spends half the book telling people the photo's aren't real and he's just an actor and she broke up with someone in England and moved to New York. And in the one I just read, I Love Paris, she and her new boyfriend go to Paris for his band's gig/her chance to write an article, and they find his ex, who makes a move on the boyfriend. And yep, she spends half the book telling the reader and the other characters that the ex is trying to get rid of her and she interviewed that gay actor and she broke up with someone in England and moved to New York.

How she's going to have a storyline in the fourth book with all the above to repeat endlessly is beyond me.

I have 2 books coming away with me to Florida. Will read when the boy's asleep. Wish me luck on the plane - we have to entertain him somehow! And last time on the way home, he wouldn't sleep a)on the plane b)when we got home. Wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't in the crawling stage ...

Days until toy story 3: 2
Days until Florida: 3
Days until Harry Potter Land: 5
Days until boy's 3rd: 31
Days until boy's party: 33
Days until bridgathon: 55 (I think?)

Balls of steel

I took the advice of a fictional character I created (following that?) ... I grew a pair.

Not literally, obviously, since humans can't do that (and I'm not a chicken. Chickens can) but I took the plunge and looked through some agents on my list and sent some that were a)accepting manuscripts and b)required paper entries. I'll do the email entries tomorrow or Thursday.

So ... be prepared in about two months for me to moan about all my rejections. I'm being a realist - I will get rejected. But I'm also being an optimist - someone's going to want me. I just have to find them. Like those hidden object games I seem to always play.

I feel successful about doing that, but ... I wasn't successful shopping today. The military look doesn't work with the peachy ornamental stuff that's out there ... there wasn't much else. I got a white vest I wanted, and found something in next (:O I never find anything in next) ... but that's it for my holiday. God, can't the high street do something lightweight for simple tastes? The simple stuff I liked was too heavy for right now.

And there was, in all seriousness, about ten books I wanted in waterstones today (I walked out with no books. Achievement!) ... there's the latest Lindsey Kelk that I want anyway, one by Allison Pearson about fan letters that looks good, one about this girl relieving the past which had a sparkly cover which won me over, this book about some guy's random dad who's apparently huge on twitter (never heard of him), one about this girl who moves into this A list apartment block, one about this girl visiting her friend in the summer, and another teen one I can't remember but grabbed me by the balls.

So that's like, £60's worth of books (at least three were in the 3-for-2) ... plus I want toy story 3 and lego harry potter for me wii.

Anyone got a spare £150?

What would you call that?

Y'know I said I did a three-month tarot reading t'other day? Well, I thought, as a laugh (because sometimes they have the best inspiration for stories) I'd get this fate magazine, talks about ghosts and angels and other-worldly things. They have horoscopes in it, and the horoscopes say the same thing as the cards. Now, is that fate, or karma, or coincidence, or a pair of entangled atoms that somehow have made that possible (oh yeah, you got a dose of physics in this ramble!) or something I should disregard despite the fact the dates given coincide to Florida, my friend's 18th, and work when I finish my holiday? And will my choice be changed should these things occur or not?

But another twist of fate, or karma, or paired electrons with spin charge, is relevant to this entry.

I said a few entries ago I wanted a me day, despite needing to earn as much as possible for this holiday/boy in general. Someone new is doing our schedule. I have my first weekday off in months - in this year, apart from a holiday in April. This could be because no one's in college, or because he's noticed I'm available both weekend days and am good enough at enough areas of work to make myself invaluable over the weekend. Or it could be because Kismet agrees I need some me time.

In fact, I start on Thursday about an hour before I normally finish. I can read, write, go to the cinema, sunbathe, sort out my dollars (I have $120 already, and £100 ready to change up, I'll be doing that the next few days) sleep, shop (and try on the clothes without worrying about a buggy!), eat where I want, when I want, meet up with friends. I am NOT going to waste my 2 free days (well, almost free). Even if I'm watching cash - I am going to live for me.

I might also print out required elements for submitting my writing to agents. I have a list of authentic agents in the UK, and their websites, will send to three (since I have three envelopes) and see how we go. I know I'm not great at writing ... but I'm pretty good. Right? Right? It's one of my new years resolutions, I'd better get my head in the game.

**edit** Oh, I just checked. I mentioned both of these elements in the same post 12 days ago. freaky ...

Days until I go see Toy Story 3: 9
Days until Florida: 10
Days until I'm home: 27
Days until boy's 3rd: 41
Days until boy's party: 43
Days until bridgathon: 65

I haven't seen you for ages!

The above is a line I usually trade with my friends, since the nearest friend of mine is a four hour train ride away, the next is a three hour train ride, and the third a two hour train ride (it sounds illogical, but we have to travel into London, then out again on mainlines. If there wasn't a gaping huge river between the first friend and me, 20 minutes tops. And Bury St Ed's is closer than Bedford to me, but still takes longer to get to). The rest are all west country, Midlands and higher. If I don't work with you, I never get to see you, basically.

But I've found myself saying it twice at work in the last 2 days, and not to ex-employees. Customers.

The first used to come in every friday at 7.30. They want their drinks last. They don't mind waiting for their burger to be done special. But the managers they were used to traded out and all the other staff have drifted off and no one remembers they want their drinks after their meals (standard policy is drinks first so the food stays hot) ... so when they came in yesterday about 6 I was kinda happy to see them. They said why they haven't been in for ages, but I was glad I was the one who served them, since I remembered most of their order, and definitely the drink factoid.

The second one was today ... he's a little bit more history, for me. Since for the past four years he flirts like crazy. I went for a job interview once (the interviewer went on holiday and I never heard from them again, which sucks because I aced the interview, had to do some maths and computer work for it) and he was there. Was where I learnt his name, lol. He was asking me out (I've never been able to tell whether he was joking or not) about the time I was making mistakes with boy's dad. And then I went on maternity leave and when I came back he asked where I'd been and I admitted about boy, and he was so rude about boy's dad (which always cracked me up, since he was sticking up for boy too) and then I got sick ... and stopped seeing him come through, since he always came to the restaurant after I finished. So today was the first time in about two years I saw him.

I like it when he comes through on my shifts. He makes me laugh, makes the shifts that much better (and since someone opened a steel door on my head today, I needed it) ... I wish he didn't have a 9-5, would be good to have him come through more often. I've got a couple of late shifts next week ... here's hoping. I don't want anything more than just the chance to laugh, and put him down when he asks for free food (nice try) ... it'd also be nice if he wasn't one of the people who hangs around the back of the store late at night blaring crap music and starting fires, but hey, what can you do?

My own worst enemy

I tried to go to bed early.

But thought I needed to watch something to send me off.

Something familiar, that I could follow without concentrating, nothing too strenuous or thought-provoking or humourous.

I chose Nick and Norah's infinite playlist.

I miss going to gigs all the time and staying up until 9am. I miss music being my life. I'm actually jealous of Nick and Norah.

Still a good film though. Wish I could've heard 'Where's Fluffy?' the band they chase around manhattan.

But yeah. So I'm awake. And my music and facebook haven't helped me nod off, strangely.

Maybe I should read the Principle of Relativity half of my Quantum physics book. I've read all the stuff about actual Quantum behaviour now.

Words I keep in mind #2

Wake up
It's time to get your things together
And drive away
Breathe out
Future days will treat you better
That's what they say

Another day
Gone without a sun
But it's okay
If you turn around
And feel the memories
Bringing you down

And in the end
Are you stronger
Do you no longer
Need to recover
And where have you been
Since it's been over
Over my shoulder
And under my skin
Will you ever return there again?

Wake up
The monsters in your head have left you
All to yourself
It's alright
If funny little things remind you
Of how it felt

Another day
No one tells you what it means
What's in your way
Keeps poisoning your dreams
The darkest place that you've ever been

And in the end
Are you stronger
Do you no longer
Need to recover
And where have you been
Since it's been over
Over my shoulder
And under my skin
Will you ever return there again?

Inspiration #6

I've been holding off talking about him so far.

I mean, I'm a street team leader, I should be a little more enthusiastic, but I don't know ... I don't think I'm one of those crazy fans any more.

This is my piece about Drake Bell, by the way.

I've been aware of his work since The Amanda Show. Truly terrible show (though I do love Josh and Amanda too) but the Totally Kyle skit he did was slightly less bad than the other skits. Plus, you know, he was good looking (whether he's a year younger than me or not) ... at the time, when I was about 14, that was pretty important to me.

When Drake and Josh started, I tried to watch it. Just for him, really. I thought it was crap, in all honesty. I watched the second series when it started, and that was better, so I stuck with it, and then the third series was crap so I switched off. But I knew he sang a lot, and played guitar and I was interested in hearing the music so I went googling, and found his website.

The girls there were enthusiastic and helpful and got me hooked up with his first album, Telegraph. Great album, even if 'Down we fall' takes 9 minutes. My favourite song of his is on there (more about that later). But it was bittersweet joining, since Drake had had a car accident about a month before I joined. He'd been waiting for this car to move at a stop sign so he could go ahead but the driver coming towards him didn't realise or control the car properly and went smashing into his vintage car (I love the vintage car obsession, American vintage cars do it for me). His passenger was fine, he had cracked ribs, a hole in his chin, loads of scratches and scrapes. He admits the first thing he thought was 'not my face!' since you know, it's his career. If you look now, when he stops growing hobo-beards, you can see a faint line across his chin. He could poke his tongue through that once, had his jaw wired shut for 6 weeks.

Anyway, the last series started when I was on the board, after I was invited to be a UK leader. So of course I watched. The boys were better, the whole cast worked well together ... but urgh, I just can't stand Dan Schneider's version of humour. Good scenes were ruined by nonsensical twists or comments that had no place. That Drake and Josh both made a success (in Nickelodeon terms) of the show is a feat.

Their solo stuff isn't so well known, which is a shame, I loved The Wackness (Mary-Kate Olsen, a stoner whore?!?), and everyone loves Ice Age (Josh was a possum with Sean William Scott). Drake's done stuff like College (ehhhhhhhh) and Superhero Movie (ehhhhhhhhhhhhh! I hate the *genre* movie series, but I did think it was better scripted than Date Movie) and tried a series called Fish Tank which didn't work out. At the moment, he's filming for the live-action Fairly OddParents film (which kinda fills me with dread, that I have to watch Fairly OddParents in order to see Drake) ... I'll leave this space.

It kinda sucks, because he kinda floats from one job to another, but I don't think he feels really, really passionate about anything. His music is so good, but his shows are shoddy (I was listening to the merch guy when Cassie and I saw him) ... Stefanie and I talk about it sometimes, sometimes on the leader chats. I can kind of relate to it, but when you've established yourself like it ... it's not good for a fanbase.

But yeah, his earliest stuff was so much better, he seemed so much more committed. Like the few seconds he was in High Fidelity (awesome, awesome film. I love John Cusack!) or working with Roger Daltry in Chasing Destiny. He gave the birdie to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire (yeah, the hockey players' son ... that kid. That was Drake.) ... I totally recommend his pre-D&J work. And his music. He could never act again and just pump records and I'd be happy.

Which brings me back to my favourite song. It's one I overplayed when I was first in remission. It still hits home now, because I so relate. It's called In The End. I'll post the lyrics in another blog, which will obviously go above this one. So ... this is the post that explains the previous one, yes?

Oh.

I just realised something.

Something that means a hell of a lot to me, but not much else to anyone else.

See, when I write, it comes from things I day-dream, I try to visualise (and sometimes, act out, when no one else is around) scenes that I know are coming up. It gives some sense of colour and description to the screen when I come to describe it, even if I end up being the only one to see it that way.

But lately ... when I've been day-dreaming (which isn't very often, with everything I've been up to) the pictures aren't there. Sometimes it happens when I'm looking forward to an event (like Florida) and I day-dream about that instead ... but I want to visualise this. I do. Especially what I'm writing now, because this bit is so hard for me. My character's getting depressed and I can do it when he's there but not when he's not ... I need the pictures.

Someone give me the pictures, please?

Fantasy Land.

In two weeks ... everything will be different.

In two weeks, life gets left behind.

And the never ending cycle of work, of sleep, of nursery rhymes and bedtimes and drifting through the day to get to the end will pause, stop, be no more.

Those two weeks hold possibilities, magic, love, laughter, sunlight, long days and fun nights, a sense of escapism that just isn't achievable when you're 'close to home'.

There's this smell in the air that's indescribable. Florideans would tell you it's just air, but it's not. It's the smell of the equator, of America, of fast food and faster rides, of smiles and 'have a nice day's and 'ohmigosh, I love your accent!'s, of dollar bills and giant turkey legs, of swamps and gators and chains I know well but most of my friends have never heard of ('what's IHOP?'). It's a tint of coconut and balm, of oreos and hawaiian punch, of buying girl scout cookies from outside the local drugstore, of wide pavements and no path outside the hotel, of lizards that live in the drains and grass sprayed green and powdered donuts for breakfast.

I love dollar bills. They feel like play money to me, but I love learning which one's Jackson and which is Lincoln (a$20 and a $5) and the quarter hunt you can do, trying to get a quarter with something about every state (I have 7 at the moment, from my last 2 trips). I love how I can get something which costs £3 over here for $2 over there, knowing that technically, I didn't save any money anyway after hotel and flights.

This year, it's different to before. This year we're there for longer. This year we'll do more, see more, shop more ... rest more. This year there's the Harry Potter theme park (so excited I can't articulate it on this blog) ... this year I'm hoping for something big. A job offer, a fling, just ... something more. It's where I really want to be.

Let's fictionalise life, maybe it'll be more interesting?

Her eyelids heavy, her brain fogged by sleep, yet the sun persistent in waking her. Aided and abetted by her father, who made his entrance slightly less painful by the presence of a soothing cup of tea.

The morning seemed to pass in a sleep-fogged blur. Clothes, keys, purse, waking the toddler in the room next door. The hurry for the car seemed slower, drowsiness becoming the unpassable hurdle.

Car ride. Nursery. And then a choice - sleepy on the bus, or walking, and a chance to wake up, loud screamo blasting her ears so she had no choice but to stay awake? She chose to be sensible, she chose to have My Chemical Romance accompany her for the walk.

Arrive at work. Clock in. Yawn. Serve. Yawn again.

And the morning disappears before alertness comes, it's passing only acknowledged by the pressures of work fighting the urge to sleep.

Late lunch, and the sleepiness lifts, thanks to the effects of copious amounts of haribo and chocolate chip cookies consumed. And she's finally ready for the day that's almost passed.

The next two hours pass in a blaze of laughs, jokes and teasing, work and a sugar high. Leaving the building, she realises her uniform is finally starting to die, after five years together. She walks out of the building, planning the next hour in her head, when she sees her friend Lizzy, hanging out of a car window. They talk, they laugh, but neither can stay for long.

Uniform bought, a sneaky blu-ray, then over to nursery to pick up an exhausted boy. Home, tea, conversation with the Godfather, bath, bed ... and finally she has the time to rest. And suddenly ... she doesn't know what to do with herself.





Yeah, I'm feeling it today. And I just agreed to make this week a 6-shift week. Go me!

zoo!

I take it back, I wasn't exhausted before. Now I've spent a good 11 hours on my feet/the train/going around London zoo ... now I'm knackered.

It was good though. I haven't spent so much time with boy's Godmother in a loooong while. She loved spending time with boy too (even if we had the challenge of a two year old, a buggy and inner London's adversity to anyone who can't take stairs).

For the most part, the animals were awesome. Except the lions, since they did nothing. And the penguins because gulls kept stealing their fish and ruining their display. The gorilla's were hilarious and the meerkats ... oh man I want a meerkat. There was one, who was hugging another adult one and two kid ones and it had this look in it's eye like 'I'm so freaking lucky' and ... yeah, the compare the market ads don't do meerkats justice.

Oh and the giraffes ... their size intimidated me, but the patterns on their skin are just ... you can't get proper pictures of how detailed their skin patterns are. Ditto with the clown fish.

And bats are freakishly fast.

But ... why does the Regents Park branch of London zoo not have elephants? Why do I have to go to Colchester or Whipsnade?

Oh, do you still come here?

So ... you know I said I was exhausted last post? Yeah, I haven't stopped since I wrote it.

I went to see eclipse. Lizzy couldn't come, but I went with my sister and a couple of other people. And honest, it was the funniest film I saw this year. Mainly because the girl I was sat next to - we'll call her Sally - and I were just taking the absolute piss out of the film. She may not agree on my assumption, but I did accidentally throw popcorn on her (my contact was sliding about, went to fix it and caught the box, whoops!) ... so at the party scene, we decided it was one girl at the party, super-imposed a thousand times since all the dresses and dance moves were similar. And we laugh at Victoria's huge mouth/eyes, and Rosalie's vaudeville eyebrows ... but Jacob's lines were the best. Or the ones surrounding him. Like when Bella was like 'Jake ... STAY!' one of us went ' ... sit!' and the other was going 'roll over!' hahaha ... because he's a dog/wolf too, it sounded like a command. It's probably funnier without the explanation. Oh, and at the end, when he's like 'Bella *gasp* you and me *gasp* would be *gasp gasp* as easy *shudder* as breathing' and Sally goes 'you're not finding it very easy right now, are you mate?' ... I love going to the cinema when people make obnoxious comments at the right moment. If Cassie had been there with me, I wouldn't have been following the film, just everything Cassie said, doubled up with laughter to boot.

Oh, and every girl in there was like 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhh' when Jacob was on screen topless, and the guys nearby were going 'yeah yeah, get over it' ... they're just jealous they don't get that reaction. Jasper did it for me though, it was like, the emo kid picking on the jock when he practiced with Emmett. And when he had darker patches under his eyes in Bella's dream ... yeah, I admit, I was a little turned on. It's all about Kellan Lutz and Jackson Rathbone for me, the film part of the franchise ... totally why I can stand the films more than the books (and three chapters of the book become two minutes of the film. I can put up with Stoned-face for that) ... I'm so shallow.

So ... obviously I haven't just been watching eclipse for the past few days. I've been working, and suffering the adverse effect of a strong willed toddler. He's gone to bed early tonight compared to other nights this week, and even then he finally caved gone nine. So once he's in bed I'm knackered and I've just not been near my computer. I can access the website on my phone, but once the posting box fully uploads I can't type so no phone updates.

Plus, my nan's over and she takes a lot out of me. Just ... okay, we were watching the news when that gunman up north got caught, and then the next morning when they said he shot himself and she was like 'good riddance, he kept everyone waiting long enough' and I was like 'but it's all really sad, there's nothing good about a man so desperate he needs to resort to that' but ... maybe it's the difference in generations. My other nan was like that sometimes, and I hated disputing ... but I felt it a lot, that the judgement wasn't fair without all the information.

My brother's girlfriend was over with her son again too, so two screaming, giggling, energetic toddlers (who're into the same things and therefore are prone to small spats) for the whole weekend, and a family gathering for my brother's birthday, and boy going to yet another birthday party in between, in a ball pond with cake and pass the parcel after with the vicar's son ... yeah, I haven't had much time to myself. And it's the zoo tomorrow (PENGUINS!) and another full week of work after that ... I might get some time to sleep in Sunday. I think I've got a surprise birthday to go to Saturday night too.

So ... something my tarot cards said was right ...

Exhaustion

Yeah ... after writing yesterday, I did a three-month reading with my tarot cards (I'm actually falling in love with them, saaaaad) ... I think I was up until about 1, deciphering it all. It kept saying the same thing over and over and I wondered if all the cards were near each other in translations ... but nope, not so much. Basically, my cards talked about a lot of money coming my way, and focus/progression in my career, and someone moving out (and no love) ... I can see most of that. Except the money, of course. Remind me what that looks like again? (I jest, I frequently am responsible for up to £2000 in cash. I see it every day. I'm sick of Andrew Bailey's signature). But yeah, basically ... I think it was telling me to get over my hang-ups and send my stories off to agents.

So that wasn't good. And boy taking over an hour to eat an apple, almost falling asleep in the bowl but refusing to let my sister take him to bed hasn't helped tonight. And my feet have hurt all day, and now my back does ... and it's not over.

I need a mental health day. A day just for me, where I can do what I want, wii all I want, read and write and go to the cinema and walk in the park or lay in a forest, sunbathe at home ... or whatever. Boy pushing bedtime out like it isn't good for a happy mummy, because I can't even remember the last time I had a bath now ... quick shower tomorrow morning instead (that is, if my sister would stop hogging the damn bathroom when I need to use it) but it's not the same for aching limbs.

I got invited out clubbing tomorrow night too. I want to go, since I rarely go out, but I'm watching cash and have a driving lesson the next morning. I think hungover, I'd definitely crash.

But I will go see Eclipse on Friday (because Kellan Lutz and Jackson Rathbone are pretty yum, though Jackson loses man-points for having absolutely no butt) - I wanna go with a few people, but they don't like each other, so I have to pick my battles. I don't like you, battles. You suck.

I'm off to bed now. Once I've sorted out clothes for tomorrow. Meh.

Hello spark!

I've actually written some of wilted tonight.

This hasn't happened for a while.

I keep opening it up, reading, and closing it.

But 4 pages tonight, baby!

I know what my problem is. It's writing around the problem now.

I'm knackered, but I don't want to stop now.

I hate you, time.

And also, work.

You both cut into writing.

Also, short story magazine - good idea for getting a writing CV together? Answers on a postcard/in my comments box please!

Dear wii

hurry up and update already, I want to crack into my new broadway hits dance game.

Oh that's right, I get to disillusion myself that I too could do musicals. Watch me barely get an okay in 'you can't stop the beat'. Go ahead and watch (and time warp's on it too! I love me a good time warp routine).

Oh, and I've cracked open my copy of eclipse again, as fascinating as the MultiWorld theory and the conundrum of quantum computers are. I think I need to read the quantum theory book in chunks, give myself time to absorb ;) plus, I want to have the crappy storyline fresh in my mind for when I go see the film this weekend. It's not exactly my favourite book ... I read it and couldn't remember what I'd read, first time around. Her hacking spaghetti for ten pages in the first chapter was as riveting this time around as the last time too.

Well, that sucks

You'll probably read this one before the one I mentioned it in, but I promised to talk about the tarot reading.

First off - maybe I didn't shuffle enough, because all my cards were next to each other, but backwards (that's not how the cards came, promise) - if you know tarot at all, I got the 6 of swords for this morning, the 5 of swords for this afternoon and the 4 of swords for this evening.

Going with my guide here, it says the swords suit are "associated with intellect, conflict and challenges. They represent the air element and the winter season, when life was hard and people struggled."

Cheers. Oh, and if I was going to town, I'd say I'm aquarius which is an air sign in winter, so basically, I pulled three me's, right?

They're part of the minor arcana which is more to do with outside influences rather than internal, if I read the guide right.

Anyway, 6 of swords? The relevance to me was not so bad. It's about 'leaving troubled waters and going into calmer waters' - it was all water related, and I stayed home today so 'trips to water' was out - but yeah, I get it. I have today and tomorrow off work. I chillaxed with boy and my brother's girlfriend's son (give those boys cars and some space and they're happy as. I got to read, my brother's girlfriend got to sleep, haha) ... if reading while two toddlers entertain themselves nicely isn't calmer waters, I don't know how else to justify that card.

5 of swords was a bit confusing, because I can't tell what meaning is meant to go with it. Since it's the card of deception 'and the querent should be aware things aren't what they seem'. How the hell are you supposed to know if the card telling you about your afternoon is telling you that you don't know people are discussing you behind your back? It said if it's work related, there are changes in management which could affect me (like, half our managers swapping about or going to uni and me pushing the training thing?) or someone's watching me and doesn't have the nerve to approach me if it's a relationship thing. Which I guess is entirely possible. If anyone were deranged enough to find me attractive, they'd be pretty scared to mention it to me, since I do take the piss out of people if they show me the least little bit of compassion. Who wants that?

Most likely though, it's the afterthought of the author, 'victory is possible but will likely come with a price and a struggle'. As if my life goes any other way right?

It's the 4 of swords that sucks most. It's the one that predicts death most accurately, or illness. Thanks. With my past, that doesn't scare me at all (with me on the monthlies, that doesn't heighten the fear of bleeding to death once again) ... I went with other interpretations, since I feel fine and have a pulse and all. Which is that waiting, patience and rest are needed (duh, I have a 2 year old) and feeling tired physically or mentally. It's a good time to meditate, to absorb knowledge through contemplation.

I like this one best, because I was reading 'Quantum Theory cannot hurt you' and with what was mentioned about the Big Bang and our understanding of the elements of an atom (bear in mind, I'm 20 pages into the first bout of physics since my GCSE's 9 years ago, Scarlett Thomas and the Big Bang Theory notwithstanding) and I was just thinking - maybe it's the ongoing expansion of our universe that finally allowed us to understand an atom is made of electrons, protons and neutrons? Maybe we can't discover what they're made of until we've expanded more, in a few hundred years? We'll have the technology by then.

Good luck following the ideas in this blog. It's late. I need to rest and meditate to absorb my understanding through contemplation and whatnot. I'll tag tomorrow.

Inspiration #5

I almost don't want to write this.

Just for the fact that it feels like I'm writing bullshit. I've picked Zac Efron, therefore it must be about his looks. If I say anything else, I'm clutching at straws. Even though that's not the case, picking someone like Zac will always invoke that conclusion. Pretty boys don't belong in 'inspirational actors' lists.

And yet. Yet that's inherently the point of me picking Zac. It's like he's aware of just how attractive he is, and how short-lived that attractiveness may be, and therefore he's attempting to breach the expectations of the pretty-boy concept.

I don't think he's done as well with his film choices as Jake Gyllenhaal. I mean, the High School Musical craze alone brings down the tenor of his other work choices (but I still like them. Musicals, you know) but Hairspray was more than a sugary musical, it raises serious points about the Negro movement of the 1960's and the neccesity of equality. 17 again was fluff, sure, but he played it well, he did his research about Matthew Perry's quirks (and really, due to screen time, shouldn't it have been the other way around? Especially as Matthew's supposed to be the veteran actor ... kudos to Zac) and it was in the expressions he carried around Leslie Mann that made his character convincing. He does humour well, he's got great scope for timing and delivery. I'm watching Me And Orson Welles right now, and same again with the timing and delivery. His accent isn't quite what I imagined for Richard but otherwise ... spot on. It's just a shame they've cut most of his interactions with his friends, because that's what gives you the sense of Richard's urgency to be somebody in Theatre.

Anyway. I can see myself watching his films in years to come, regardless of his looks. His acting's all in his eyes, and that's all he needs. But who knows, he may do a Dick Van Dyke and just always be singing and dancing in whatever roles he picks (please, Zac, though you'll never read this ... never be Dick Van Dyke).

He seems likeable enough out of work too, he hikes and goes climbing, and skateboards and ... he's the epitome of a character in a Lauren Henderson book I have called 'My Lurid Past', this celebrity chef who can't stay still for two seconds, is young and impressionable and has talent for miles ... I admire that energy. I need some of it, lol. But enjoy it while it lasts Zac ...

Thanks for disregarding my entire opinion and sticking with the first argument, by the way. Yes Zac is a hot piece of ass. Damn!

Kelly

I haven't done one in a while. Sorry, I just want to get the words right when I do post about my loved ones.

Kelly's really compassionate. She's insanely caring about animals - she's done a zoology degree, and has a couple of wonderful dogs at home (and correct me if I'm wrong, but a hamster too?). If you're talking about animals, or the environment, she gets really enthusiastic.

She's the first tee-total person I really knew, I know a couple of other people now, but she was the first. She only really drinks water, no fizzy, no sweet stuff. She eats well too ... basically, she does the opposite of me, and treats her body like a temple, rather than a trash can. She thinks of consequences rather than instant gratification, and more than once she's given me some perspective, a fresh look on things I get wound up on.

I don't mean to make Kelly sound like Jiminy Cricket. She may exercise caution but she's got an amazing sense of humour. And a great sense of adventure. Last time I saw her, a week ago, she told us this story about how her mum had said she'd never tried pot and always wanted to, so her dad convinced her sister to go get some for her Christmas present. Brilliant story. We were talking about tarot cards too, when we saw this tarot reader and I'd said I'd got my pack recently and she said she had some too, but hadn't really used them. Ditto Kelly (although, I was reading through the interpretations yesterday, before I picked up Me And Orson Welles, and then did the Tarot Diary thing the book recommended last night. I'll talk about that in my entry tonight or tomorrow morning, I guess) ... I like that even though she's calm, collected, and thinks ahead and I'm impulsive and don't have much scope for the future, we do have things in common.

Like, we both love musicals. Hairspray, when it was released, bonded us. Kelly already had clothes like it, I'd always wanted clothes like it ... we bonded over early 1960's fashion. She also has some amazing medieval dresses. But yeah, we both love musicals, even if that's practically unheard of in my town. She doublebooked Hairspray and Wicked back in February, so I bought the Wicked tickets off her, and she went to the previous night's showing instead. Wicked is awesome too ... I haven't got the soundtrack, but I do have Glee's version of Defying Gravity. That song is so haunting, but relatable at the same time. My brother-in-law said it was the chick version of Star Wars ('It's even got an 'I am your father' bit!') but I don't care ... and nor does Kelly.

I love that too. Even if she reads this, she'll be thankful for the positives but it won't make the slightest difference to the way she is. She's steady, not flaky, and that's in all aspects of life.

Me and Orson Welles

I finished it already (God, I miss reading books in a matter of hours. I haven't had the chance of late) - it was brilliant. That's an understatement, but there isn't a word to expostulate it properly.

Kaplow writes actors really well. Although he wrote it recently, and it's set in 1937/1938 about a cast doing 'Julius Caesar' (I had to read at High School. Our class got Caesar, the rest of the year got Romeo and Juliet) I got the feeling that he'd had an experience like the one he was writing, but juxtaposed in a time where he could distance himself. All the characters seemed individual and believable.

Richard Samuels is incredible. I could see why they cast Zac Efron in the film (something that's said about the subtlety of his eyes, and his performance in 17 again made me go ' ... actually, yes!') - he's like Holden Caulfield with a likeable personality, a conscience and a sense of compassion and humanity. God, if J.D.Salinger had written Holden like Richard, I would have loved The Catcher In The Rye. Catcher In The Rye would've had more of an impact over here, maybe, if Holden had some of Richard's outer innocence.

I've been looking up Orson Welles too. Good ol' normally-incorrect-because-the-pro-members-change-things-more-than-wikipedia IMDB ... he's been in loads, but the only thing I've watched of his was a few snippets of Citizen Kane (I've really got to watch that in full. We got the table shot at the start, but 20 minutes of the weirdest interpretation of The Tempest ever at uni. Have I mentioned before how pointless my uni was?). Kaplow must have watched a few of his things though (out of the 120 performances listed on wikipedia) and he's right in that Welles does a LOT of Shakespeare. He's got his history down pat, the loss of both parents, the creation of the Mercury Theatre in 1938. Even one of Welles favourite actors, Joseph Cotten, is included in the production Kaplow refers to (though it was the original, and best War Of The Worlds, not Caesar performed in Mercury) ... actually, I take it back, there is something on IMDB (I'm reading as I post) about his production of Caesar, how it was adapted, how this person and that person was included, mentioned in Kaplows book too, and the role Welles played.

I love a book that's so well researched, and makes me look things up too. I'm sure if I researched songs in 1937/1938, and ad campaigns, books and magazines, I'd find all that Kaplow included too. I cannot wait until the boy's in bed tonight to crack my DVD out. I can't watch a DVD without reading the book first.

I'm getting into Quantum Theory Cannot Hurt You. I need more challenge, Kaplow's completely sparked my craving for knowledge. My chick-lit can take a shelf for now.

Ash

I'm back on books.

I've had Ash in my room for a while, one of the hundreds I've bought in bulk then not fancied three days later. But since I'm trying to save as much as is humanly possible right now (nice surprise, nursery is £200 less than I was expecting this month. I think I added a week?) I thought I'd better read through all those books.

Ash is a fairy tale. It gets a little bit Cinderella-ish, but only if the Fairy Godmother were actually a male fairy Cinderella's mother had cursed to love Cinderella. It plays more on those fairy stories you get in books like Lord of the Rings (you know, think the kingdom of the Elves) rather than 4-inch high flying sprites.

It's so well-written, even if I seem disparaging with the Cinderella reference. I suppose I'm likening it so others might find it interesting? The detail of the descriptions is incredible, but it flows well with the book. I want to walk through the enchanted forest Aisling does. I want to wear the outfits, and eat the food.

I love the names in it too. The writer, Malinda Lo, makes me think she might be Japanese but there's something Irish to the names, like the fairy Sidhean (Shidane) or the huntress Kaisa.

The huntress bit had my brain thumping though. It was so ... weird.

Okay, so Aisling (or Ash) loses her parents at the start of the book. Her mother dies, her dad remarries, then her father dies. She's left with her stepmother, who lies about her father's debts and makes her work as the housekeeper. She sneaks off regularly to see Sidhean in the forest, and sometimes just to be in the forest. After a while, she starts bumping into the huntress, and they start to be friends, while the fairy starts to get posessive. Ash strikes a couple of deals with Sidhean, to spend time with Kaisa (like going on a hunt with Kaisa, and going to this ball and accidentally dancing with the eligible Prince and then running away, like some well known afformentioned fairy story), and somehow Kaisa and Ash fall in love, and Ash frees Sidhean from her mothers spell so she can be with Kaisa.

So ... is lesbianism okay in fairy stories?

I still liked the book, don't get me wrong, it just seemed to imply that if you were female and hunted deer you had to be a lesbian. I just don't see how there's really a connection? Yet I wanna read more of Malinda Lo's stuff. She's ... vivid.

I need to find another book to read. I'm thinking Me and Orson Welles? Then I can finally watch my copy of the DVD, haha!

Pointlessness of existence

So ... I finished re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I didn't cry this time (go me!) maybe because boy was pushing his books in my face? I got it, hun ... you want attention. I needed ten minutes to myself, after a fairly pants day (my brother ate my lunch, boy had a smelly nappy when I dropped him at nursery today which I had to clean before we left, we failed an audit over something none of us could prevent, it was out maintenence guys' stuff, it was hot, I'm knackered because I can't sleep from the heat either) ...

I'm watching mock the week now. And then I'm off to bed. Sorry.