A letter to me.

Dear Zee,

Remember you promised yourself a few things?

Like spending absolutely no more pointless money until we're in Florida?

Or trying to shift the monster that is your stomach since it makes you feel gross, even if you have to live on salads for the rest of your life because of the fat content of everything else?

And that you'd write more, and keep your room and stuff clean?

Yeah .... with the Ben's Cookies and your room and the new Mario and Harry Potter wii games ... what's up with that?

The boy

Speaking of the boy, and me missing him for an insane amount yesterday ... I had a bad dream last night.

In it, boy was getting sick at nursery, and when I picked him up, the girl I get along with really well there was like 'oh, he's so sick he needs to go into care' (why not the hospital, I don't know, it's a freaking dream) and I was like 'but he can still come here, right?' 'nope, but you still have to pay' 'will he keep his place then' blahblahblah.

Anyway, a couple of days later in dreamland, he's all better, and I want to get him back, but they won't let me, even though I've visited and when I do he's all clingy and he's stopped being as talkative as he normally is (trust me, that boy never shuts up, but I like the sound of his voice so it's okay) and I think I ended up kidnapping him so he could go on holiday with us still.

I wish I had my dream dictionary ... but it's still in storage. I'm going to have to hunt down freakydreams.com ... I didn't like my dream. My boy's mine, no one elses ... silly dream-nursery-nurse!

**edit** I've just looked up a dream journal online. Apart from 'unresolved issues with the person lost' ... most of it's saying I'm trying to regress back into childhood, longing for the past 'and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes', a fear of abandonment and rejection (and since my list of people letting me down ... are we surprised?) and that I'm 'overwhelmed by the hustle-and-bustle of every-day life' and need to reorganise.

Geez. So today was the day I was planning on at least tidying the boy's room (he's decided the toys don't need to live in the toy buckets, but instead on his bed/the floor) and yeah, you know what dream? I had a kid young, when I was acting out, and there was a lot I wanted to do and sometimes when my friends talk about their plans I do wish my life was that simple, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Because any other way is life without boy and I won't have that. Besides, when he's 18 and I'm 40, that's when I get to do all the stupid stuff again and call it a mid-life crisis. Take that, stupid, stupid dream!

P.S. Don't reject me anymore, people ...

And that's all it takes!

So yay, I'm doing going to do anything stupid like run off with the boy the day before our flight back from the good ol' US of A!

I went to London and had an awesome time (would've been better if Jo had come too :( ) we basically walked from Picadilly to Covent Garden then holed ourselves in TGI Fridays for a few hours, but it was good stuff. I love my friends.

And I've now tried Ben's cookies (Katie and me went after the others went to catch a train) ... and we spent way to much in cybercandy ... but I have tropical punch and boy's tried a krabby patty now so we're all good with me spending like, £20 on foreign food. And some of it's for my brother's birthday present, so yeah ... somehow it can be justified. Ben's peanut butter cookies, btw, are effing sickly. But their size is wooooaaaaah! huge.

I love Covent Garden. It's way better than Camden (OMFG, what's happening to Camden?!) I wanna go back already. I've missed you, trips to London!

So now I'm a happy bunny. And I don't even mind covering my friend's shift while he a)celebrates his friends birthday and b)watches the football, because even though Sunday is normally crazies-day, it'll be quiet (because of the football) and I won't miss too much of boy. And I get to miss out on the hours-long bedtime routine (although yesterday, I got back after his bedtime, so I let him stay up because we missed each other, and when I did put him to bed he was almost asleep before I put him in.) which sounds mean but it'll give my voice a rest.

Moaning Myrtle

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I can't help it.

What the fuck is going on with the cosmos? Is there some stamp on my forehead that says everyone I give a crap about should make arrangements to do stuff and then bail last minute?

Okay, Pete had a fit.

Okay, my working-for-5-years-in-a-crap-hole bit was bad timing.

Okay, so I get Katie, Cassie, and maybe Chris tomorrow.

But tonight?

TONIGHT?

Gaaaaaaah ... the second time in a row I've been let down by the same person. And what's worse is that this was meant to make up for last time?

But what can I do? Just suck it up, smile like it doesn't matter and carry on?

I'm sick of doing that. I'm easy-going up to a point, but when I blow, it's nuclear.

I've known this person basically all my life, and she never flakes out like this. And she made me feel horrid when I asked, an hour after we normally meet up, whether it was still going on ... I know she didn't mean to, but this is getting boring. I'm a single mum who works full time, if we arrange something that's probably the first time in weeks I'm doing anything for me.

So now I'm torturing myself with the New Moon DVD. And I'm off to sleep.

No one's allowed to bail tomorrow. Or I might do something stupid.

So ... stuff

First of all, sorry for my short, pissy post yesterday. It's just ... I hate Wednesdays. With a passion. We're understaffed and have more customers than they expect and you're lucky to get a break ... I thought, with England playing, it'd be better. In the afternoon at least. But no, it meant everyone got complacent and we had no one in when the crowds came. I didn't even stop when the game was on, all I saw was the instant replay of the goal, because I was having a drink when someone started yelling from our staffroom. And I know I can't quit Wednesday's because they'll be even worse that way.

But still. I've had krispy kremes, I feel better. And, mock the week has started again and I love mock the week. Russell Howard is strangely fit.

So anyway, The Bridesmaid pact.

I think my first problem was, I saved this kind of book for after Our tragic universe, thinking that would be strenuous and I'd need to chill out. But it wasn't so much, more disatisfying, so I didn't need the chill out book. I needed the actual challenge.

So everything was predictable. And not just for chick-lit. Not just because I knew pretty early on what each character's issue was. Oh no, Julia Williams went further. She has 4 protagonists. 2 have met their soulmates and married them. 2 of them have met their soulmates and screwed it up for 15 years. 2 of them have babies. 2 don't. They're all from an Irish Catholic family, except one, who was American and Catholic. Each of them moans about their own problems, but then feels bad about how crap life is for the other (tiiiiired reading!) and then the ending was twee. One who'd had an abortion and thought she'd lost her baby still had a baby. One was reunited with her father, no problems, when he left before her birth. The one who was ill went off to find this Suicide unit in Switzerland just to have a change of heart on the flipping plane and the other one left her cheating husband and moved in with his brother, no problems really thought out.

Blah.

I'm having an early night now ... watching mock the week then off to sleep. I've got a driving lesson at 8, I start work at 9, then I'm outskies with the boy's godparents tonight. Oh and meeting some friends in London Saturday. And covering someone's shift before going out for someone's leaving do Sunday. And probably no lay in Monday to recover either, lol.

Shorty, shorty

I haven't talked much about books of late, have I?

I've ploughed my way through 'The Bridesmaid Pact'. It was okay, but not surprising. I expect too much of some writers, I guess.

I'm a grumpy bunny atm. I won't go into it. But even though I laughed, the stress ball by my station wasn't that funny. Especially since you're meant to be more responsible than me ...

I'm off to get booze I shouldn't drink.

Inspiration #4

I love Maggie.

Not the same way I love Jake, but still.

She's quirky (and another slightly weird-looking actor) and I can relate, on some level to her. Boy is only a few months younger than her Ramona, maybe that's why.

I remember all my friends in high school going nuts over The Secretary. I didn't watch it until uni. I'll never look at worms the same way again.

I loved her in Stranger Than Fiction, this speech she made about why she paid only a percentage of her taxes cracked me up. Obviously, I know she didn't write it, but she delivered it with such panache. Will Farrell looked amateur next to her, in my opinion.

The first film I saw her in was Donnie Darko too, since she played Jakes older sister (ZOMG, it's like they're related or something!) she's played sibling roles with him before that too.

She was good in World Trade Centre, and Mona Lisa Smile ... I put up with Julia Roberts for her. That's true love. Did help that Kirsten Dunst, Topher Grace and Julia Stiles were all in it, I guess.

I've got a few of her films I haven't watched yet. I'm going to spend a few nights catching up on the 50 DVDs I have that I haven't watched (!!!), including 40 days and 40 nights, and Away we go (both Maggie's).

I don't know why I love Maggie. Apart from the aforementioned quirkiness. She's so up-beat and off-beat and I love her sense of individualism. All qualities I'd like to believe I have.